LGBTQ,  LGBTQIA+,  Pride Talks,  Suicide,  Voices of Pride

Voices of Pride: Amitoj’s Journey

This blog mentions suicide and homophobia which can be triggering.

Having struggled with my mental health since the past 4-5 years, I finally took that leap and started reading blogs and following all the essential accounts in late 2020. This was the same time I started opening up to people about my issues.

The first person I opened up to was my cousin – who I’ve always looked up to as an older sister. I’d be struggling with suicidal thoughts, and after two attempts, she found out. When she realised that she couldn’t convince me otherwise, she told our older brother about it. After a month of daily calls, he told me had confided in his sister, who is a psychologist. I was shocked at first but then gradually accepted it.

Over the next few months, they would often drop in to check in on me (usually when my parents were away because they had no clue). It’s around the end of last year, when I finally realised I was getting interested in figuring out my place in the LGBT+ community.

That’s when I realised I was a demigirl. After a lot of internalisation, I decided to come out to my cousin sister. Sadly, it didn’t go the way I’d expected it to go. I still remember, when I told her, she sounded aggressive and told me that it’s a phase, and that it happens to everyone. I didn’t say anything, and kept quiet.

The very next day, both my sisters came to see me. Since my cousin who’s a psychologist didn’t know any details, I was forced to come out to her. What happened next was upsetting. They started laughing and called me a lesbian. I still kept quiet. It was only many months later, when I decided to come out to my brother as non-binary since I realised that I was more comfortable with guys than girls. Unfortunately, he reacted similarly.

It soon became a running joke for the three of them. They would constantly make fun of me and make disparaging remarks about my life and my choices. I was shocked, but yet I couldn’t cry either.

It all finally reached its tipping point, when around a month ago, my brother decided to out me to my mother without my permission. He sent her screenshots of our personal conversations, including the one where I had come out to him, and in turn, she sent them to my father. My mother has not spoken to me about it in much detail, but she has been really angry with me ever since my brother outed me to her.

I couldn’t stop crying for hours but then after some days, I’d healed, and I felt stronger than ever. Over time, I came out to some of my friends (who would accept me for who i am) as non-binary and they did. They love me just like they did before. i don’t talk to my cousins about my sexuality anymore but haven’t completely cut off the relationship too.

Conclusively, here’s a small message from me for anyone who’s trying to come out to their loved ones – please think about who the person actually is on the inside before you decide to open up to them. That crucial decision can make all the difference.

Amitoj Kaur is currently studying in 8th grade. She loves studying psychology and mental health as well as all forms of art. She is aspiring to be a psychologist, artist and writer. She  loves doing Gurmukhi calligraphy and making literally anything with watercolours and she has an art account on Instagram for that (amitojkaur_funnyavocado).

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