Who doesn't hate failure? Ugh, it's one of those inevitable things we all try to avoid. But let’s face it: at some point in our lives, we’ve all placed our entire identity on the shoulders of a single mishap... or probably more than one.
With failure comes that dark, but strangely familiar experience of feeling like a loser. And just when you think you've moved past it, your brain pulls out a neatly organized list of every mistake you've ever made, ready to remind you of all your shortcomings when you’re feeling low. It’s like a mental highlight reel of failure, playing in full force, just when you need it the least. Suddenly, reality feels like success is no longer possible for you, and you assume you no longer belong anywhere because, well, you’re a failure.
So, where does this concept of failure and success even come from? Is it something new, or has it been around forever? Let’s take a quick trip through history. The Greeks were all about tragic heroes who messed up but ultimately earned sympathy because they were good people. Failure wasn’t the end for them—it was part of the journey, and society asked us to be compassionate in the face of it. Fast forward to the Romans, who worshipped success, especially wealth and military glory, creating a lot of anxiety around it. In Eastern India, during the time of Buddha, worldly success and riches meant nothing. Success, for Buddhists, was about inner peace and enlightenment, not external achievements. On the other hand, the French, under Napoleon, emphasized talent and merit over privilege and status. Now, our modern society is largely driven by the pursuit of wealth and recognition—think Forbes lists and social media influencers.
This need to succeed doesn’t just apply to work or wealth—it’s in our relationships too. From the time we’re toddlers, we’re conditioned to be the best—best friend, best student, best child, best employee. We’re told we need to succeed and be better, even when we don’t fully understand what that means. This leaves us focused solely on outcomes—outcomes that aren’t always in our control. So, we set ourselves up for failure before we even try.
This intense need to win often leads to self-criticism. Some of us are constantly haunted by the feeling that we’re failures. Our inner critic becomes so loud that we start believing we’re unworthy of success, that our failures define us, and that we deserve them. But here's the thing—our inner critic isn’t the whole of us. It's a part of us that we can hold some space for, but it shouldn’t define our entire existence. Blaming ourselves completely for our misfortunes only takes away from the accountability we can take for ourselves and our circumstances. We aren’t bad people, and we don’t deserve a bad future. We just experienced difficult things, and we did our best. And guess what? We can learn to cope better in the future.
Our obsession with winning can often overshadow other aspects of our lives and, more importantly, who we are. When we focus solely on outcomes, the effort we put in becomes irrelevant. We’re taught to chase our dreams, but we’re rarely taught how to live while chasing them. Achievement is important, yes—but not at the cost of our peace. Because when those dreams don’t come true, what are we left with? What do we have?
Perfectionism is a dangerous beast that tells us we’re nothing unless we’re the best. It insists that if we’re not at the top, we’re not worthy of existing at all. But the truth is, we can’t win at everything—and we can’t fail at everything either. We will stumble, but we also have endless opportunities to learn, grow, and succeed in other areas. We often swing between being chronic overachievers and drowning in shame over perceived mediocrity. Our environments don’t help either, with cruel expectations that leave us feeling like our lives are worthless if we don’t meet them. The reality is, a “good enough” life is often considered a failure in today’s world, even though it's a perfectly valid and meaningful way to exist.
When we don’t listen to ourselves because we’re too harsh, we end up stuck. But if we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll realize something: we tried. We took a chance. And that’s something to be proud of, even when it doesn’t work out. Failure happens. It’s part of life. But failure is not who you are.
The only real losers are those who are so afraid of not winning that they don’t even try. You can’t fail before you begin.
Sometimes, we need to be the supportive character in our own life—showing up with compassion for ourselves, especially when our inner critic is at its loudest. Confronting that voice isn’t easy, but it’s necessary.
We’ll all face failure at some point, and in a world obsessed with success, we’re encouraged to stick to a narrow definition of what success looks like. But what if we let go of that rigid idea and gave ourselves permission to redefine success on our own terms? What if we told ourselves a different story—one that’s gentler, more forgiving, and more compassionate?
At the end of the day, we're all just trying. And that’s enough.
PS: Whatever we suffer through can empower us to be more compassionate—if we let it.
