IVF and Relationships: Navigating the Transition

Society often poses the silent question: “When will you have a baby?” In India, this question may not always be spoken aloud, yet it echoes through subtle expectations, family gatherings, and societal pressures. For many women, there’s an unspoken belief that they are not “complete” until they experience motherhood. And while this perspective is gradually changing, the deeply ingrained idea that motherhood should be both natural and inevitable remains strong.

Yet, countless women in their 20s and 30s find themselves turning to IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) as a path to parenthood. This path, though filled with hope, is often paved with quiet struggle. Fertility challenges remain taboo; many fear judgment or pity. In a culture that still considers having biological children to be a hallmark of a “complete” family, the responsibility—and the pressure—often falls disproportionately on women.

IVF offers hope for those facing fertility obstacles, yet it also comes with intense emotional challenges. Women undergoing IVF can feel their worth entwined with their ability to conceive. Even in supportive partnerships, there’s an invisible weight placed on the woman, who experiences both the physical procedure and the emotional aftermath. Men, meanwhile, are often socialized to be stoic, which can lead them to suppress their own fears. This dynamic creates a chasm of silence, leaving both partners feeling isolated.

Take Nina and Raghav (names changed). After years of hearing, “Baccha kab?” (“When are you having a baby?”), they chose IVF. What should have been a shared journey morphed into Nina’s burden alone. She faced the physical toll of injections and hormone treatments, as well as the emotional anxiety of every test result. Raghav, unsure how to help, remained silent, believing his composure would be comforting. Instead, his quiet distance made Nina feel unsupported, while her constant need for reassurance left him feeling overwhelmed.

Sadly, this emotional disconnection is common. In many Indian households, men aren’t encouraged to openly share feelings, especially during high-stress situations. Women, on the other hand, often seek to talk through every thought and worry. This difference in coping styles can widen the gap during an already vulnerable time.

Gottman’s Research: Weathering Tough Times Together

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, underscores the importance of understanding your partner’s inner world. His concept of “Love Maps” encourages couples to cultivate deep familiarity with each other’s dreams, fears, and daily stresses. In a situation as emotionally charged as IVF, building robust Love Maps can act as a protective shield against miscommunication and resentment.

Have “Emotion Check-Ins”
IVF is a rollercoaster, and emotions can shift daily. Set aside a few minutes each day or week for a judgment-free conversation. One person speaks openly; the other listens without jumping in to offer solutions or dismiss concerns. This routine fosters a sense of safety and mutual understanding.

Use Soft Start-Ups
According to Gottman, conversations that begin gently are far more likely to end in resolution. When sharing worries, say, “I’m feeling anxious today; could we talk about it?” instead of hurling accusations like, “You never support me!” This subtle shift in tone can defuse tension, paving the way for constructive discussion.

Turn Toward, Not Away
In moments of stress or sadness, acknowledge your partner’s feelings rather than brushing them off. Even a simple statement like, “That sounds tough, I’m here for you,” can be profoundly reassuring. Turning toward each other, especially during challenges, strengthens your emotional bond.

Divide the Mental Load
IVF involves medical appointments, medication schedules, financial planning, and family pressures. It’s vital to split these responsibilities. Perhaps one partner takes charge of scheduling and research, while the other focuses on emotional support or family communications. Sharing tasks lightens the load and prevents either partner from feeling overburdened.

Create Rituals of Connection
Rituals—be it morning chai together, an evening walk, or a short phone call during lunch—anchor the relationship. These small acts act as reminders that you’re navigating this journey side by side.

The Role of Therapy and Community Support

In many Indian families, discussing personal struggles—especially around fertility—can be uncomfortable. This is where professional counseling or therapy can bridge the gap. Sessions with a trained therapist can help couples learn to communicate openly, manage stress, and heal emotional wounds. Research from the Indian Journal of Psychological Medicine shows that emotional support and informed counseling significantly improve mental health outcomes for individuals undergoing fertility treatments.

Additionally, peer support groups—online or local—offer spaces where people can share experiences without shame. Feeling heard and validated by others who understand the emotional whirlwind of IVF can reduce isolation and encourage a healthier mindset.

For more insights on strengthening emotional connections during challenging times, visit The Thought Co.’s blog on Communication.

It’s also crucial to acknowledge that IVF experiences vary widely across different communities and identities. Single women, same-sex couples, and women who face societal expectations tied to caste, religion, or family lineage may encounter unique challenges. By recognizing these diverse perspectives, we can foster more inclusive conversations around parenthood. Whether it’s a married, heterosexual couple in a traditional joint family setup, or an unmarried individual opting for fertility treatments, each journey deserves respect, understanding, and support.

IVF is a Shared Journey, Not a Solo One

For Nina and Raghav, a shift began when they stopped viewing IVF as her cross to bear. Through open conversations, emotion check-ins, and a commitment to dividing the responsibilities, they found themselves closer than before. They created a schedule for medical appointments, reminding each other of medication times and discussing how each day’s process made them feel. Raghav began opening up about his own fears—of financial strain, of disappointing extended family, and of seeing Nina in distress. In turn, Nina learned to ask for the specific types of support she needed, from a comforting conversation to practical help with errands.

Ultimately, IVF, like any major life transition, isn’t just about the outcome of starting a family. It’s also about the bond you strengthen along the way. Parenthood may be a shared dream, but a relationship thrives when both partners feel heard, seen, and valued in every step. In a society that still grapples with the weight of “completeness” tied to motherhood, it’s crucial to redefine what truly completes us.

Your worth isn’t measured by the ease of conception or the size of your family. It’s measured by the love you cultivate—with yourself, your partner, and the life you build together. Seeking professional guidance can be a powerful step in nurturing that love. At The Thought Co., we offer therapy sessions specifically tailored to help individuals and couples navigate fertility challenges. Because in the end, it’s not about a single milestone—it’s about how you carry each other through every high and low.