Here’s a quick question: do you often get annoyed or upset when someone doesn't respect you, or if they raise their voice or pass comments which may be hurtful? If you want me to make it slightly more simple, have you heard anyone say something along the lines of…
‘I mean well, don't mind it.’
‘This is how I am, I can't change it.’
‘My voice is just loud, deal with it.’
I think that’s - Escape - from taking accountability and understanding oneself. For example: If someone has asked me to lower my voice because they (very rightly) believe that there isn't any need to shout, I have two options:
1. Understand that I got angry and decided to shout;
Apologise for the fact that I got charged and raised my voice;
Take some time to Ground myself; and then,
Engage in the conversation with a lower, softer, more understanding tone.
2. Or I can proceed to get angry and say ‘This is who I am, this is how my voice is so deal with it and continue talking.’ which continues to make the person feel uncomfortable.
Now, when you talk about the first process, it takes a great deal for some of us to acknowledge that we may have made a mistake and we need to make it up. We often feed into our ego so much that we refuse to see that there can be something wrong. At that moment, we prioritise our ego and righteousness more than the empathy or understanding of learning how to better communicate with the person who is feeling uncomfortable.
When someone calls us out for our behaviours, we instantly take that as a personal attack and respond to it to defend ourselves. Everyone has different ways of responding. Some may fight back to prove themselves right and some may feel shameful and go quiet. Our body is used to responding in different ways when we feel we’re under threat and that's what happens here as well.
We REACT.
We never take the time to sit for a while, stop and just think about what happened, what our actions were, and what our response should be. We don't read into the cues of the other individual or how we've made them feel either.
So how do we change and develop emotional intelligence?
- Pause: if someone has asked you to stop behaving in a certain way, STOP. Don't react. Instead, sit with it for 2 minutes.You’ll instantly see a difference.
- Understand: Think about what you want to say or how you feel and if your actions may be saying something completely different. Sometimes, that’s all the difference that it makes.
- Acknowledge: Apologise if you’ve gone wrong and try rephrasing what you wanted to say. It’ll help make the situation better!
Now that you know that change is possible, how do you want to develop your emotional intelligence ...
Meet the Author
Shipra's main areas of focus are the connections between the body and mind. She uses a trauma-informed & needs-based approach to counselling. Shipra believes in always trying to create a healthy balance between work and life.
She also loves sunsets, beaches, kittens, chai and cooking. Growing plants is her form of grounding, and she’s found to resort to Disney or the Mamma Mia soundtrack when everything else is spiraling.
Shipra Parswani, Psychologist