Gratitude is a powerful concept that has been deeply ingrained in various religious and philosophical traditions for millennia. From ancient philosophers to major world religions who emphasised the importance of appreciating life's simple pleasures to major world religions, all emphasise thankfulness and acknowledge life’s blessings. Gratitude has been a universal sentiment that has shaped human values, beliefs, and practices across cultures and throughout history. The practice of gratitude is not only a common theme in religious texts and teachings but also a topic of interest in modern psychology, with research demonstrating its numerous benefits like increased happiness, reduced stress, and greater overall well-being. Moreover, the concept of gratitude has never gone out of trend on social media.
This concept resonated with me while listening to a podcast called the “Slight Change of Plans” by Maya Shankar. This episode featured Banafsheh Rashidi whose life took an unexpected turn.
Banafsheh always dreamt of being a mom and dreamt of raising a child whose life would be filled with carefree moments like singing in the car with friends. She envisioned herself nurturing and taking care of her children, showering them with all the love she had. As a young adult, she constantly planned for her future children, imagining how she would react to different situations and preparing herself to be the best parent she could possibly be. Having children wasn’t a question, just a matter of when and how many. She finally had a daughter named Saba. When Saba was a baby, she noticed that she was different from other children but she pushed that thought out of her mind. She then noticed Saba’s regression; her eye contact was inconsistent and there was no babbling, no interaction. That was when she couldn’t deny that something was wrong. They went to the doctors and Saba was diagnosed with Autism at the severe end of the spectrum. Saba had limited communication abilities, apraxia, extreme sensory issues and developmental delays. This shattered Banafsheh’s trust in life, making her constantly anxious.
I knew the podcast I was listening to was going to talk about gratitude and I questioned: How can someone experience gratitude when they have lost everything? I paused the episode to explore this question and caught myself going down the rabbit hole with it.
Gratitude has multiple meanings. It’s been defined as a coping mechanism, a habit, a practice, an attitude, an emotion, a moral virtue, and a personality attribute. Some studies see it as a positive emotional response to receiving a gift or benefit, while others describe it as a trait or a state phenomenon triggered by an experience or event that is happening right now.
After I was satisfied with all possible definitions of gratitude, I returned back to the podcast to seek answers.How can people feel gratitude even when dealing with adversity?
I really started feeling Banafsheh’s pity for her life. Why her daughter? Why her family? Why her? … She felt like a victim.
However, a turning point came while she dropped Saba off at special school. She saw a bird with one leg living a “normal” life. The realisation struck her: the bird didn’t do anything wrong. Perhaps she shouldn’t be looking for a reason to blame. Adversity is a part of life.
From this experience, Banafsheh learned valuable lessons:
- Acknowledging that difficult things and terrible things happen in life, often beyond our control.
- What matters most is what you have right now; focus on it and get the best out of it. Research has found that making the most of what you already have is linked to happiness.
- Not emphasising on the negative all the time. Acknowledging that adversity is a process but coping little by little each day makes it better with time.
- Happiness looks different, sometimes feeling neutral is great.
- Stop trying to fit in and set realistic expectations of your situation.
Banashef felt like by changing her perspective, she gradually started to live life again and by changing her expectation she could enjoy life again. For the longest time she was trying to make her family like a “typical” family, in the hopes that she would feel the same kind of happiness they feel. It was exhausting. Accepting her family’s unique situation lifted the burden. Happiness for her became finding neutrality in her life. Shifting her focus on becoming the happiest (that is possible) special needs family was the answer for her.
What stays with me is her saying that she feels her day to day level of happiness would be the same if she has a typical developing child and not a special need child because at this point in her life she has given up emphasising the little problems. She is just happy.
I couldn’t help but read about other caregivers of disabled children like Banashef, the one thing they all had in common was perspective.
“Trying to be grateful for what they have right now!”