I had a conversation recently about ghosting, icing, and simmering. It made me contemplate how the people around me engage and respond to these rejection behaviors. It made me realize how normalized these behaviors have become. So, what are these terms?
- Ghosting is ending a dating relationship by cutting off all communication without explanation.
- Icing is when someone creates an excuse, like "I'm too busy," to distance themselves from a relationship without ending it outright.
- Simmering is gradually reducing the time spent together and the frequency of communication in a relationship.
We all know that rejection is a part of dating and that it hurts. A popular study by Naomi Eisenberger and her colleagues showed that feeling rejected triggers the same brain circuits that process physical injury and interpret it as pain. This means our brain processes physical pain and a broken heart similarly. So, the pain of rejection is very real.
To understand this better, we could look at it from an evolutionary lens. Being excluded from a group could pose a serious threat to one’s life. Our species has survived largely due to our ability to form groups, be accepted, and work together. Our brains have been programmed to be part of a community, as it is essential for our survival.
When we examine these behaviors, what they have in common is a lack of clear, direct communication, leading to ambiguous endings. Ambiguity is stressful because it is unpredictable. Research by Sonia Lupien, a scientist studying stress for the last 20 years, shows that unpredictability is one of the ingredients of the recipe for stress.
I wonder if these behaviors like ghosting, icing, and simmering increase our tolerance for ambiguous ends. Do these rejection behaviors increase our ability to accept unpredictability? Probably not!
So, why do people favor ambiguous endings? I guess we want to enjoy the best of both worlds. Maybe we want someone to cuddle with us but also want the freedom to keep our options open in case someone more appealing comes along.
This strategy of maintaining unclear relationships and prolonging breakups is what Esther Perel, a relationship psychotherapist, calls ‘stable ambiguity.’ In a nutshell, it means people are too afraid of being lonely but do not want to engage in building an actual meaningful relationship. These strategies allow people to have a blend of comforting consistency and freedom of blurred lines.
It is important to distinguish this kind of ambiguity from the ambiguity we might feel in the first few months of the relationship. Initial relationship ambiguity is a sort of transitional phase that might be needed for individuals to recognize and explore what they want or don’t want with the person.
When there are unclear relationships with stable ambiguity, you do not know what to expect from that person or how much to trust them. Expectations and trust are constantly in doubt, and there is also a lack of accountability. Inevitably, this fosters an environment in which nobody feels fully nurtured or valued, and at least one person experiences persistent uncertainty. This can feel exhausting, anxiety-provoking, and stress-inducing.
Our own emotional well-being, as well as others', is at risk when this stable ambiguity is at play. We might have to be brave and engage in clear communication instead of hoping the ghosted person will get the hint.
When we ghost, ice, or simmer, we open up the idea that people are commodities. These behaviors reflect a loss of empathy in our society, as highlighted in The Science of the Cringe. We might end up enabling selfishness, without caring about the effects of our actions on others, all because we do not want to have difficult conversations and deal with other people’s feelings. In turn, we avoid feeling our own emotions.
As a psychologist, I can tell you that running away from your feelings only leads to poor mental health and well-being. Emotional avoidance can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and a sense of disconnection from oneself and others. By ignoring feelings, individuals may experience a buildup of unresolved issues, leading to chronic stress and emotional dysregulation.
It’s time we bring back relationship accountability and integrity! However brief your connection with another person might be, encourage yourself to act with kindness and communicate your intent. This allows both you and the other person to enter the next relationship with clarity rather than disappointment and insecurity.
