*Trigger Warning: This post discusses sensitive topics like rape and abuse.*
Writing about trauma and abuse is never easy … it forces us to confront uncomfortable truths, blurred lines between right and wrong, and the intricate webs of human relationships that often defy clear categorization.
This sentiment resonates profoundly in Richard Gadd's "Baby Reindeer," a compelling exploration of Donny's journey through trauma and its aftermath.
*Spoiler Alert*
Donny, the central character in this narrative, is a struggling comedian trying to carve a path in the competitive world of comedy. His life takes a tumultuous turn when he encounters Martha, a figure whose presence initially seems benign but soon reveals darker undertones. Martha's behaviour escalates gradually, from inappropriate advances to outright aggression towards Donny's girlfriend.
A poignant question lingers after watching the series: Why does Donny fail to recognize the danger lurking beneath Martha's facade?
Donny’s previous traumatic experience before he meets Martha sheds light on the enmeshment between the two. As a budding comedian doing his shows, facing a lot of rejection, Donny meets a successful TV writer who mentors him and helps him write a TV pilot with the promise of a deal for his show. Darrien would often praise Donny encouraging him to “keep dreaming” and nurturing Donny’s desire and with his belief in Donny’s talent. He encourages him to do drugs and slowly becomes an important figure in Donny’s life. With Darrien, Donny senses the possibility of making his dreams a reality. He is enthralled by Darrien’s experiences and stories about the people he idolises. As a budding comedian, Darrien’s attention gives Donny the hope of being a ‘somebody’. The grooming is subtle, Donny sees Darrien as helping him and looks up to him for guidance, while slowly being influenced by him. Donny recognises that Darrien may have been abusing him when he would pass out, but he found himself continuing to visit Darrien.
So when the rape happened it threw up a lot of questions for Donny, “Did he really believe me”, “Did I want it”, “Why didn't I say something”. The impact of the trauma on Donny is complex, on one hand he saw himself as benefitting from his association with Darrien which makes it hard to come to terms with the abuse.
He was dealing with carrying this unspoken incident with him, fearing that people would know his secret, the incident damaged his intimacy with his girlfriend, and left him questioning his sexuality.
“ I started to feel this overwhelming sexual confusion crashing through my body. I could never tell whether these feelings were because of him or whether they always existed deep down. Did it all happen because I was giving off some vibe I wasn’t aware of? Or did what happened make me this way?”
To report Martha and recognise what she was doing as abuse, he would also have to confront what happened between him and Darrien.
When Donny met Martha his self esteem was still recovering from his encounter with Darrien, in a way Martha gave Donny the affirmation that he needed. Given the gravity of what Darrien did we can see how Donny perceived his situation with Martha as relatively low stakes.
In Baby Reindeer, Richard Gadd, the writer and actor who plays the main protagonist, confronts his own vulnerability that kept him in the situations with Martha and Darrien. Recognising that his need for their comforting presence and assurances leaves him vulnerable and unable to discern the dangers lurking within these relationships. An external observer with no stakes, might wonder how he doesn't seem to see it. Leaving him vulnerable not just to the abuse but also to the self blame that comes along with it.
Donny’s response is a common response amongst victims of trauma, called the ‘Collapse and Submit response’. Where someone being abused feels forced to go along with it even though it hurts them emotionally, the victim might fear escalation of the situation and comply with the perpetrators in the moment and constantly question and misunderstand their own behaviours post that. They may think that they invited the abuse, that some small part of them wanted the abuse to happen, which makes it difficult to talk about and deal with, even in therapy, holding oneself responsible for the abuse that has taken place, makes the victim think they had a role to play “this happened because of me, I could have stopped it” this made it difficult for Donny to report Darrien and consequently Martha.
The narrative indicates but doesn't build on inter generational trauma, tracing Donny's father's own experiences of abuse within the Catholic church—a topic shrouded in silence until Donny's own revelations. It leaves me with questions about how his father’s experience of abuse and silence over it may have coloured their relationship. A legacy of guilt, shame, and a distorted sense of self-worth gets passed down to the next generation
In exposing the blurred lines between admiration and exploitation, where a seemingly supportive figure can morph into an abuser. The series portrays the nuance of self-blame, anger, and confusion victims experience after the sudden shift in the relationship. There is very little space to register the trauma for what it is when questions like “ I should have done something,” “I should have told someone,” and “Why did I let it happen?” echo in one's mind.
This self-doubt arises from the abuser’s manipulative tactics. The abuser may have initially made the victim feel important and seen, only to inflict harm later. This confusing dynamic makes it even harder for the victim to recognize and escape the abuse.
There is a deep turmoil that comes with realising a “nurturing” presence can also harbour dangerous consequences.
Examining Donny's story, compels us to resist the urge to blame the victim, a temptation rooted in our discomfort with ambiguity (we just need someone to blame!). We are called to understand and recognise the impact of boundaries being breached by those we least expect.
Ultimately, "Baby Reindeer" prompts us to reconsider our understanding of trauma and abuse—not as isolated incidents but as threads woven into the fabric of complex human relationships. It challenges us to listen more closely, judge less harshly, and acknowledge the profound impact of both seen and unseen wounds on individuals and their interactions.As we navigate through Donny's journey, we are left with a poignant reminder: the need for compassion, understanding, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths—both in storytelling and in our own lives.