Why We Avoid Talking About Our Parents in Therapy
It’s a familiar scene. You’re sitting across from a therapist, nervously adjusting your seat. Then the inevitable question comes: “What was your relationship with your parents like?” Suddenly, the room feels smaller, your thoughts scramble, and you quickly mumble, “It’s fine, nothing major.” You might chuckle awkwardly, but deep down, you know there's more to it.
We’ve all been there. Talking about our parents can be like cracking open Pandora’s box—so instead, we shove it under the metaphorical rug. But why? Why is it so hard to open up about the people who’ve shaped us the most?
In India, cultural norms heavily influence our approach to family dynamics. We’re raised with the mantra of “respect your elders,” especially parents, which often means putting their imperfections in the shade. You might recall a moment from your childhood where you hesitated to question a parent’s decision, even though it didn’t sit right with you. This cultural conditioning makes it feel almost taboo to explore their flaws in therapy.
This sets up a tricky paradox: on one hand, you long to express your emotions and explore the parts of you that might be hurting, but on the other, you fear you’re crossing an invisible line. Therapy, instead of being a space of liberation, can sometimes feel like a balancing act. You want to be true to yourself but also protect family honor.
Take a moment and reflect on an experience—maybe you grew up in a household where expressing dissatisfaction was met with defensive responses or accusations of ingratitude. That internalized voice, always quick to jump in, might whisper, “You’re just blaming them. You’re not taking responsibility.” Even when our emotions are valid, that voice can create guilt, making us hesitant to confront the past.
Another reason we shy away from discussing our parents is the myth of the perfect parent. It’s far easier to highlight the positives—the sacrifices they made, their hard work, and the values they instilled in us. But even the most well-meaning parents can leave emotional scars. Take the example of a parent who constantly strives for perfection. While we admire their ambition, the pressure to live up to such high standards can leave us feeling unseen or terrified of failure. Recognizing these imprints doesn’t diminish their role in our lives—it just acknowledges that relationships are complex.
In India, parents often occupy a place of reverence. They’re not just caregivers; they’re the cornerstone of our values and identity. Confronting their imperfections can feel like an act of betrayal, shaking the foundation of that reverence. But this process isn’t about pointing fingers. It’s about acknowledging that no one, not even our parents, is perfect.
For instance, consider the pressure placed on children in Indian households to excel academically or financially. While these expectations are driven by love and a desire for a better future, they can leave emotional marks that shape our relationships and self-worth long after the report cards have been filed away. Unpacking these layers in therapy is difficult but necessary if we wish to understand how these experiences continue to influence us.
What’s often at the core of this hesitation is unresolved emotion—grief, anger, longing, and confusion. These emotions aren’t just about our parents—they’re about us. We start to see how much of our identity is tied to theirs, how much of their struggles we’ve internalized, and how many emotional wounds we’re still carrying.
Admitting that our childhood wasn’t perfect doesn’t mean we’re disrespecting our parents—it simply means we’re being honest about our emotional needs. We’re acknowledging the pain and beginning to release the weight of generational trauma that may have been passed down to us.
There’s a big difference between acknowledging pain and assigning blame. Therapy isn’t about condemning anyone; it’s about understanding the patterns that have shaped who we are. Avoiding discussions about our parents might feel like self-protection, but in the long term, it keeps us stuck. The unspoken dynamics in our family relationships continue to impact how we love, trust, and cope.
By leaning into the discomfort, by opening up in therapy about our parents, we begin to free ourselves from these patterns. We give ourselves permission to feel the grief, to honor the love that was there, and to grow into a more authentic version of ourselves.
In one therapy session, I remember a client, Shilpa, who had spent years in therapy avoiding the topic of her father. Her harsh expectations and emotional distance left her feeling inadequate, but every time we approached the subject, she would quickly redirect the conversation. One day, after a few months of working together, she finally said, “I don’t know how to love him anymore.” That moment marked the beginning of her healing—a painful, raw, but necessary step.
So, next time your therapist asks about your parents, don’t shy away from the discomfort. It doesn’t have to be a deep dive into childhood trauma. Start small. Be curious. Give yourself permission to feel what comes up, without judgment. You might be surprised by the sense of liberation it brings.
By unpacking your past, you create space for a more empowered present, one that allows you to move forward with clarity and understanding.
